I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
