Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
