3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I am in a vortex of obligation.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
