The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Ketchup is God's man juice
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
