last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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