I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
