Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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