Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
