there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
