I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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