why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
