Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
