of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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