I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
