If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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