When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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