Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
