you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
