why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
