I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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