i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
