Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
