Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
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It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
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You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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