"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
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No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
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Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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