I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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