Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
