I hate your face
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Randomize
