Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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