I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
