I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
