the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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