i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
