She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been