i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
