Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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