I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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