Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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