Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
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Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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