On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Mom said you looked used
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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