he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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