I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
