I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
