Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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