Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
