i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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