toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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