if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
