I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
dude. I can hear the air.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
