my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
