just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
