I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
