3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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