I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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