I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
