So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
it's great music for shaving your balls
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
