I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
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I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
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Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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