Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
