You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I would ride that face into the sunset
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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