If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I just found a bag of teeth...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
